No, Not One!

How did I end up here?

     No doubt, life is a journey. The only thing that has the power to stop you is your last breath, and praise God, He is still in control of that!  You start out heading in the right direction. I know we all veer off the path from time to time. One small distraction here. One innocent compromise there. Then, there is the outright deception.  The devil’s hope is that one causes you to trip and the other causes you to stumble and fall.

     Have you ever tried looking into the bathroom mirror after a hot shower? You wipe the mirror, and it immediately starts to fog up again. With a quick glance you should recognize the outline in the mirror, although something seems different. Unfamiliar even. Who is looking back at you? This startles you. You lean in for a closer look. 

     Then, you start to wonder.  Who is this old person? Where did all those lines and wrinkles come from?  When did this happen? I looked so much older than I remembered. Oh, no! I had lost my youth.  Did that mean that I lost my chance to dream too? Maybe. It had been a while since I had dared to. Was it too late? What were those dreams? 

     A flood of memories came. One kept repeating in my mind over and over again.  Years ago, I found my mother’s Corningware when we were cleaning out the attic. As I remember, there were quite a few pieces. They were practically new, still in the box, well kept.  I loved the way they glistened in the light. 

     My mother received many corning pieces when she was married in 1961. It was these pieces that fueled my love for those little blue flowers. I had no idea then just how large my collection would get.

     My mother loved that I showed interest in something that belonged to her. That Corningware became a bond between us. Something to talk about. It gave us something in common. It would continue to bring us closer together, for years to come. 

     Each new piece I brought home, in its original box, of course, would honor my mother. As we would unpack the box, my mom would always be reminded of a story. It became “our thing”. You just can’t appreciate those moments at the time. Later in life, when you can’t go and do any more, it’s those memories that make you smile. They give you peace. They remind you that you are loved!

     She would tell those same stories to me, over and over. I was so used to hearing them. They became part of my history too. My mom turned 90 in February. God bless her!  And, He has. When she meets Jesus, she can say she raised two daughters in the faith! Praise Jesus. His legacy lives on through her. I wanted that too.

     Five years ago, I started on a journey; one that I never finished. Funny how the unfinished has a particular way of gnawing at you, like sandpaper on an open wound. Mine was recently brought back to mind when I was forced to decide. 

    Would I pay to keep the website I started listing my Corningware Blue Cornflower collection?  Or would I just let that dream go too?  Did I have a choice?  Decisions.  Decisions.

     My goal had been to collect “a first issue” of each piece in its original box with its original paperwork. But, to do that, you had to know which mint mark came first. It would be different for each individual style. 

     I would spend weeks going through each Distributor’s Manual, year by year, from 1958 to 1988. Listing each piece in the order that it was produced took months. Mixed in between all the doctors and the lawyers' visits, this would be my only peace. Strangely enough, it gave me purpose again. And I was thankful for that!

     I would refer to the pages in this binder whenever I saw a piece I wasn’t sure I had. It had grown to over 300 pages. Could I let it go now, never to be completed?  What would happen to all the memories associated with it? Would I forget in time like I had forgotten about my dreams? 

     The choice was mine to make, no matter how many excuses I would come up with saying otherwise. 

     When you want something bad enough, you prioritize. You work around things to make it happen. You find a way. My decision would show how much this dream really meant to me. One way or the other.

     When visiting the antique stores in Pennsylvania, I would bring my book with me.  I printed the pages in color, two pages per sheet, and placed them in a 3-ring binder. This way, I could make changes or add pages quickly and easily.

     When other collectors would see my book, they would practically drool as I flipped through the pages. That was always followed by the same comment, I want one. I would laughingly say, maybe someday I will publish this. 

     Please keep in mind that the devil relies on procrastination to rob you of your dreams. Without the right amount of passion and determination, maybe will always stay just that, maybe. It will never actually happen. Dreams require a written plan of action.

     Looking back, in all honesty, I liked keeping my book all to myself. I liked the reaction I would get. I had something people WANTED. Maybe I didn’t want to share it. If I shared it, people would know what I know. Then they could purchase the pieces I wanted! I put in all that hard work. It was mine. If you want one, put in your own hard work.   (Sigh… humanity at its finest!)

     All the work I had put into my online version would expire on January 25th. That meant I had less than two weeks to decide if my website would cease to exist.  Another project started, left unfinished.

     As a child, I only remember having two dreams.  First, I wanted to be a Librarian. I loved reading. I loved the way books could take me to places I couldn’t even imagine. I dreamed of taking new books home each week. I would have access to all kinds of rare books. Every topic imaginable… even the unimaginable ones! I loved dreaming about a world I knew I would never get to see any other way. 

     I don’t know why I never pursued that dream. No specific reason came to mind.  Life had just shown up. Other issues had to be dealt with. I had made a series of small steps in other directions. Drifting here and there. 

     Not choosing a plan to make this dream come true was, in fact, my choice to let it go. You must plan for tomorrow. How else will you know if you are heading in the right direction? I guess I didn’t realize that at the time. I was so young and immature. 

     I lost track of time. I had good intentions. I was the only one I could blame. I didn’t make it a priority in my life. I had taken my eyes off the prize. Once it was out of sight, it was easy to forget, even though, at the time, it meant so much to me. 

     Publishing my book would cost a lot of money. (A lot of money for me.) Where would I even start? Time was wasting. I had to weigh the cost. Could I justify the expense at this point in my life? 

     So, I contacted three of the most upstanding Christian people I knew. I told them about my situation. I asked them to pray about it with me and for me and to please let me know if God gives them a response. 

     One said God said Yes, almost immediately, before we hung up the phone. The second replied a few days later with a yes, “Go.  Now.  Do”. The third also replied yes within the week, saying, “This is bigger than you.”  God says yes. But remember to make sure that you glorify Him in it all, or you won’t find His full favor. Trust Him. He will bring this to where He intends it to go.  Do not stray from His path. Pray over every step!  Do not deviate at all from what He tells you.

     I had gotten my answer. I was so excited! God must really love Corningware too. Go forward, it was. I had finally learned how to submit. I had learned not to pick back up the horrifying thoughts that told me people were going to laugh at me. Those thoughts always made me feel so small. I wouldn’t be worried about what other people thought or had to say. I was doing this for me.

     I think that is what I allowed to hold me back all my life; A strange feeling of not being good enough, of not fitting in. I don’t know why I felt like I had to fit in. I think that is the biggest lie, straight from the devil himself.  That lie holds most of us back from greatness.

     I was right. I didn’t fit in. After 40 years of trying to recraft myself again and again, no matter what I tried, it was never enough. 

     Why didn’t I realize I wasn’t made to fit in? I was made to stand out as a light in the darkness for others to see to help guide them home to Jesus. If I had only realized that then! 

     There was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t fit in because I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. As “a Child of The One True King,” my purpose was to stand out and draw others to Christ, not hide in fear.

Matthew 18:18-20  (NKJV  BibleGateway)

The Great Commission

16 Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had appointed for them. 17 When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted. 18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen.” 

I must admit, for most of my life, I acted like speaking to people about Jesus was the pastor’s job. When I said something positive for The Kingdom, I felt like I had done a good job and wanted a pat on the back. Then I went right back to my life and my purpose for my life.

     The only other dream I can remember having was to be a pastor’s wife. I always knew I wanted to serve God.  I longed to be part of a family of like-minded individuals who were totally devoted to The Kingdom.  A family who worked together to get through life where people were happy to see you; And it wasn’t because of how much you brought. Holiday dinners around the table. Good food. Good Fellowship. You can feel the joy in the air. 

     Isn’t that why most of us turn to sin in the first place? That not-good-enough feeling binds us to our past like shackles holding an elephant at the circus. The chain is put on while still a baby; weak and helpless. They try repeatedly to break the chain but can’t. 

     As they grow and get stronger, they have no desire to break free. Those old memories of not being able to stop them from even trying. They give up accepting their slavery. 

     From that point on, a simple piece of string could keep them tied up. Oh, they are strong enough to break free, but they don’t know that. The devil has broken their spirit, their hope, their desire to be anything more than they already are. They settle for the familiar. How sad. It’s even sadder to watch this happen to people.

     Now that I was older there wasn’t much excitement to look forward to. I didn’t venture out too often and was always home before dark. I had plenty of free time on my hands, it being just me and the two cats. 

     I wanted to get back to basics and really focus on my Bible studies and my personal relationship with Jesus. God first; that thought resonated with me in a way it never had before.  

     I would be living my life for God. I liked the way that made me feel - overwhelmingly joyful. The thought of getting this second chance became exhilarating. I liked this new sense of purpose in my life.  Truth be told, the only thing that would really matter in the end was God. I knew that.

     How in God Almighty’s name did I stray so far from my childhood dreams? Why didn’t I have more dreams and ambitions? As I sat on the lanai and looked out into the darkness of the night, the only thing I longed for was to hear the words, “Well Done, Good & Faithful Servant,” when my light went out.