No, Not One!

How Did I End Up Here?

            Without a doubt, life is a journey. The only thing that can stop you is your last breath, and thank God, He remains in control of that! You begin by heading in the right direction. I understand we all stray from the path from time to time. A small distraction here, an innocent compromise there. Then there is outright deception. The devil hopes that one distraction causes you to trip while the other leads you to stumble and fall.

          Have you ever looked into the bathroom mirror after a hot shower? You wipe the mirror, and it immediately fogs up again. You should recognize the outline with a quick glance, yet something seems different. Unfamiliar, even. You start to question who is looking back at you. This startles you. You lean in for a closer look. Then you begin to wonder. Who is this elderly person? Where did all those lines and wrinkles come from? When did this happen?

          This happened to me. I looked much older than I remembered. The realization that my youth was gone made me question the possibility of losing my chance to live out my dreams too. Was it too late? What were those dreams?

          As a flood of memories flowed over me, one kept echoing in my mind. Years ago, while cleaning out the attic, I discovered my mother’s Corningware. I remember there being quite a few pieces. They were practically new, still in the box. I loved how they glistened in the light.

          My mother received many pieces when she got married in 1961. It was these pieces that sparked my love for those little blue flowers. I had no idea back then just how vast my collection would become.

          My mother loved that I showed interest in something that belonged to her. That Corningware became a bond between us and a topic for conversation. It gave us something in common and would continue to draw us closer together for years to come.

Every new item I brought home in its original packaging paid tribute to my mother. As we opened the box together, my mom would always recall a story. It became our cherished tradition. In the moment, it’s hard to fully value those experiences. However, as time passes and you can no longer recreate them, those memories become a source of your joy. They offer solace and remind you of your love.

          Mom continuously recounted those same stories to me. I became so acquainted with them that they blended into my own narrative. This February, my mom turned ninety. God bless her—He truly has! When she meets Jesus, she can proudly say she raised two daughters in the faith. Praise Jesus! Her legacy endures through her, and I long for that as well for my son.

          Five years ago, I embarked on a journey, one that I never completed. It’s funny how the unfinished has a particular way of gnawing at you, like sandpaper on an open wound.  Mine was recently brought back to mind when I was compelled to decide if I would I pay to maintain the website where I began listing my Corningware Blue Cornflower collection; Or would I simply let that dream fade away? Did I have a choice? Decisions, decisions.

          My goal was to collect the first issue of each piece in its original box along with its original paperwork. However, I needed to know which mint mark came first to achieve that, as it differed for each style.

          I spent weeks reviewing each distributor’s manual, year by year, from 1958 to 1988. Listing each piece in the order it was produced took months. Amid all the doctors’ and lawyers’ visits, this provided my only peace. Strangely enough, it gave me purpose again, and I was grateful for that.

          I consulted the pages in this binder each time I came across an item I was uncertain about. It had expanded to more than 300 pages. Could I really part with it, knowing it would remain unfinished? What would happen to all the memories tied to it? Would they fade away, just as I have lost sight of my dreams?

          The decision was mine to make, regardless of the excuses I might concoct to suggest otherwise. When you want something badly enough, you prioritize and work around obstacles to make it happen. You find a way. My decision would reflect how much this dream truly meant to me, one way or another.

          While visiting antique stores in Pennsylvania, I took my book with me. I printed the color pages, two pages per sheet, and organized them in a three-ring binder. This approach allowed me to modify or insert pages swiftly and conveniently.

          When other collectors would see my book, they would practically drool as I flipped through the pages. That was always followed by the same comment, “I want one.” I would laughingly say, “Maybe someday I will publish this.”

          Please remember that the devil uses procrastination to steal your dreams. Without enough passion and determination, they may always remain just that, dreams. They will never truly materialize. Dreams often require a written plan of action to succeed. Ensure your dreams align with God’s Will for your life.

          Upon honest reflection, I recognized that I enjoyed having my book all to myself. I enjoyed the response to my hard work. Perhaps my reluctance to share stemmed from a desire to purchase the best pieces without others being aware. If someone wanted hundreds of hours of research, they should put in the effort. (Sigh! Humanity at its finest!)

          All the work I had put into my online version would expire on January 25. That meant I had less than two weeks to decide whether my website would cease to exist. Another project that I started but remained unfinished.

          As a child, I only remember having two dreams. First, I wanted to be a librarian. I loved reading and how books could transport me to places I couldn’t imagine. I dreamed of bringing new books home each week, gaining access to all kinds of rare literature on every imaginable topic, even the unimaginable ones! I cherished dreaming about a world I knew I would never see any other way.

          I don’t know why I never pursued that dream; no specific reason comes to mind. Life simply happened, and other issues needed my attention. I made a series of small steps in various directions, drifting here and there.

          Not choosing a plan to make this dream come true was, in fact, my choice to let it go. You must plan for tomorrow; how else will you know if you are heading in the right direction today? I suppose I didn’t realize that at the time. I was so young and immature. I got distracted and lost track of time. I had good intentions. I was the only one I could blame. I didn’t make my dreams a priority in my life. I had taken my eyes off the prize. Once it was out of sight, it became easy to forget, even though it meant so much to me at the time.

          Publishing my book would require a significant initial investment. For me, this was a lot of money. Where would I even start? I had no experience. Time was running out. I needed to consider the costs. Could I justify this expense at this point in my life?

          So, I reached out to three of the most upstanding Christian individuals I knew. I shared my situation with them and requested that they pray with me and for me. I also asked them to let me know if God gave them a response.

          Even before we hung up the phone, the first person said, “God said yes.”

          The second replied a few days later with a yes. “Go. Now. Do.”

          The third also replied yes within the week, saying, “This is bigger than you. God says yes. But remember to ensure that you glorify Him in all of it, or you won’t find His full favor. Trust Him. He will bring this to where He intends it to go. Do not stray from His path. Pray over every step. Do not deviate at all from what He tells you.”

          I received my answer. I was so excited. I was actually naïve enough to think God must really love those little blue cornflowers too. So, it was time to move forward. I had finally learned how to submit and not revisit the horrifying thoughts that told me people would laugh at me. Those thoughts always made me feel so small. I wouldn’t worry about what negative comments others thought or had to make. I was doing this for me and Jesus.

          A strange feeling of inadequacy and not fitting in has held me back my entire life. I’m not sure why I felt the need to conform to the world. I consider this to be the greatest lie, straight from the devil himself. That lie of thinking we are never going to be good enough is what prevents many of us from achieving greatness.

          I was right. I didn’t fit in. After forty years of trying to reshape myself again and again, no matter what I tried, it was never going to work. Why didn’t I realize I wasn’t meant to fit in? I was created to stand out as a light in the darkness, helping others find their way home to Jesus. If only I had understood that back then!

          There was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t fit in because I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose and my identity in Christ. As a child of the One True King, my purpose was to stand out and draw others to Christ, not to hide in fear.

          Matthew 18:18-20 says, “The Great Commission: Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had appointed for them. When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted. And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, ‘All authority has been given to Me in Heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen.’”(emphasis mine)

          I must admit, for most of my life, I acted as if speaking to people about Jesus was solely the pastor’s responsibility. Whenever I said something positive about the Kingdom, I felt I had done a good job and desired a pat on the back. Then I returned to my life and my personal purpose. I was blocking my own blessings by not sharing the love of Jesus with others who needed Him.

          The only other dream I can remember having was to be a pastor’s wife. I have always wanted to serve God. I longed to be part of a family of like-minded individuals completely devoted to the Kingdom. I desired a family that worked together, where people were happy to see you, not because of what you contributed, but simply because you are you. I dreamed of holiday dinners around the table, good food, and good fellowship filling the atmosphere with joy. Singing worship songs around a campfire sounds like pure bliss to me.

          Isn’t that why most of us turn to sin in the first place? That not good enough feeling that binds us to our past like shackles holding an elephant at the circus. The chain is put on while they’re still a baby, weak and helpless. They try repeatedly to break the chain but can’t.

          As the young elephant matures, it becomes increasingly robust and self-assured, yet it no longer feels compelled to attempt escape. The memories of its past failures serve as a reminder of its limitations, which fosters an understanding of its reluctance to exert effort towards endeavors it has previously not succeeded in. Consequently, rather than opposing its circumstances, the elephant opts to acknowledge and accept its situation.

          From then on, a simple piece of string could keep that elephant bound. Of course, they are strong enough to break free, but they don’t realize that. The devil has crushed their spirit, their hope, and their desire to be anything more than what they already are. They settle for the familiar, the comfortable. How sad! It’s even sadder to witness this happen to people.

          Now that I was older, there wasn’t much excitement to look forward to. I didn’t venture out often and was always home before dark. I had plenty of free time on my hands it being just me and the two cats.

          I wanted to return to basics and focus on my Bible studies and personal relationship with Jesus. The thought of God coming first in my life resonated with me in a way it never had before.

          I would live my life for God. That made me feel overwhelmingly joyful. The thought of working to complete a project for The Kingdom became exhilarating. I greatly appreciated this new sense of purpose in my life and dove right in. Truth be told, I always knew the only thing that would truly matter in the end was God. I don’t know why it took me so long to submit.

          How did I stray so far from my childhood dreams in God Almighty’s name? Why didn’t I have more dreams and ambitions? As I sat on the lanai and gazed out into the night’s darkness, I only longed to hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” when my light went out.